When Silver Linings are Hard to See

I’m having a rough day. As one of my best friends would call it, an “I wish I weren’t sick” day.

Thanks for the phrase, Liv 🙂
 Most of the time, I think I handle being chronically ill and all the baggage (sometimes literally)  that comes with it fabulously.  After all, what am I supposed to do? When illness is a huge part of your life, you find a way to live with it. I do things while in pain, because if I waited for the pain to subside, I might never leave my bed. I try my hardest to be cheery, even when I feel like crap. Those that love me can generally see right  through my false cheer, and even more on a difficult mental day.
On the “I wish I weren’t sick” days, everything feels a million times harder. It all adds up- pain, nausea, fatigue- like an overdrawn back account you have to pay off sometime. On these days, it’s really hard to hold it all together.
It’s okay to not be strong all the time. It’s okay to spend a day doing nothing, or doing nothing but calming things. We spend so much time taking care of our bodies, I think sometimes we forget that we also have to take care of our minds. So if you’re having an “I wish I weren’t…” day, practice some self-care. Take a bath, watch a funny movie, put on fancy makeup just for the heck of it. Don’t think you have to focus on the silver linings and the collateral positives one hundred percent of the time- being positive all the time is impossible, especially when you don’t feel positive.

Today, I’m sad about my pain, I’m sad about the life I once had….and all of that is perfectly fine. 

New Normal

If I could go back and tell myself one thing when I first got sick, it would be to find a new normal. And to try and accept the new normal.Sleeping all the time? That’s okay, that’s your new normal. Can’t walk without limping? That’s okay, it’s just a new normal. Using a wheelchair? New normal. Recently I was told to look into a new disorder, as a possible answer. I wasn’t phased at all, started doing research, and then it dawned on me…after almost 3 years of constantly being sick, this is my normal. And I’m okay with that. So if you’re just getting sick, or are struggling with something, find a new normal. Don’t forget the old one, but try not to expect your body to be capable of it. It’s impossible when everything changes, especially when that change is drastic- healthy, to sick, in a short time. I could have never imagined 3 years ago my normal would involve researching rare diseases, and administering meds through a feeding tube…but it does. My normal is not what I would have wished it to be, but it is one where I can live and thrive and be happy. “Normal” is after all, a very relative term.

And if your new “normal” feels not so normal at all, remember that you are not alone. And remember that things do get better.

After all, I’m certainly still here.