I’m a control freak by nature. I’m a pain about group projects, because I end up wanting to do the work myself. I dislike unpredictability, preferring a solid foundation of plans and goals. Through my illness, I’ve lost control of almost everything at one point or another. Before I got sick, my body was the one thing I always had control over, even if other things were falling apart. And suddenly I didn’t even have that.
I’m the kid who’s had her life planned out since first grade. I was going to college, become a doctor, go to the Olympics, and then somewhere in there have six kids. I think I was pretty adamant about that, at six. As I got older, my dreams and plans evolved, but they were still concrete, and I never once imagined those things could change. When they did, my plan for my life was one of the first things I grieved. I was free-falling with no parachute, and when I crash landed somewhere in between hope and desperation, trying to find my footing on an ever slippery slope, all my carefully drawn maps and plans fell by the wayside as my world changed from living to simply surviving. For a long time, I refused to think about what would happen if I never “got better”. I refused to acknowledge the fact that my life had changed irrevocably, and that even if I woke up tomorrow cured, I’m not the same person who fell out of an airplane with nothing between me and life except for the open sky.
This past weekend, I had the immense privilege of traveling to San Francisco to attend the Invisible Project Gala. The Invisible project is a program by the U.S Pain Foundation, where they tell stories of people living with pain. I was lucky enough to participate in the Kids and Families Issue, and the experience was such a gift. There’s a lot of my journey that isn’t pleasant, to go through or to remember, but to look back and be able to own my story and who I have become- that is the greatest gift of all.
The Invisible Project isn’t about finding a way to be cured, or to be fixed. Rather, it’s about finding a way to manage and move forward. This project and it’s stories are proof that we can and will adapt, despite the odds or the circumstances. I talk about focusing on the silver linings rather than on the collateral damage, but sometimes the damage cannot be ignored. It can’t be fought through. It is simply there, and the best thing you can do is learn to keep going.
I’m no longer scared of not getting better. Sure, I’d like to. I still hope I will. This isn’t what I planned for, or what I ever expected. But this weekend, as I heard the stories of surviving and of living, I was viscerally reminded that I can do this. That my life can and will still be beautiful and strong and joyful, even if I never “get better”.
One of my all time favorite quotes is from the Lord of the Rings. “Not all those who wander are lost.” I’m still wandering. My detour hasn’t yet led me back to the main road- and maybe it never will. Life is rarely what we expect. But when I laid out my plans, all those years ago, I thought of what I wanted out of those dreams. I wanted to be happy, to be able to have those I love around me, and to watch them succeed and find joy. And those things, the things that are truly important- they can be found even in the darkest of times, even on the rockiest roads.
Strength isn’t about being cured or winning every battle that comes your way. If you take away nothing else from my story or the Invisible project, take this: we are much stronger than we first believe.
So here’s to impossible things, to surviving- to finding new roads, new lives, and to getting lost along the way.