Recently, I was asked the question, “Do you think this will be a long term thing?” This was referring to some recent concerning symptoms and I had made the request for a piece of equipment- a wheelchair that fits me and is lighter and more easily maneuverable. Now, anyone who’s ever looked at those things knows that they are not cheap, and so often the process for insurance approval is long. Now, my all seeing eye to the future was on holiday, so my answer to the doctor was “I don’t know.”
When I first got sick, I thought it would be a few weeks until it got better. Maybe a month. I never looked at my illness as “chronic” until I’d been dealing with it for the better part of six months. And even then, I wanted to avoid doing certain things because I was just going to get better. As of now, I’m still waiting. (Any day now, right?)
As my illness has gotten longer, and as it continues without a visible end, my perspective on many things have changed, as you would expect. One of those things is acceptance. I’ve been trying hard to love my body, without faulting it for it’s limitations. Of course, this is easier said than done. But one of the hardest things for me that prevented me from accepting my body that niggling fear that acceptance means giving up or giving in. That if I say, yes, this is the reality right now, that it means leaving behind the idea that I’ll ever get better.
In my mind, at least recently, the idea of acceptance has changed. It doesn’t mean giving up the idea of ever getting better, or even the idea It means trying to move forward from the idea that me and my body are on opposing sides of a war that many days has no clear victor. It means focusing on the fact that my body has fought so hard to live and to thrive, and that I’m proud of it for doing so. I’m sure as hell going to continue to fight to be healthy. But I also will fight to live the best possible life I can in the body that has carried me this far, the body that despite all the craziness that has been thrown at it, is still going. And living the best life possible? That sounds like the furthest thing from giving up.